Power Struggles

After recording this episode on power struggles, I kept thinking about how easily we label those moments as failure.

The eye roll.  The “why?” The pushback about curfew, clothes, homework, friends, bedtime.

It feels personal. It feels like they are challenging us. And sometimes they are.

But sometimes they are simply growing.

One of the hardest shifts in parenting is realizing that resistance does not automatically equal defiance. In fact, resistance can be a sign that our children are developing exactly the skills we want them to have one day. Critical thinking. Self-awareness. Courage to question. A voice.

The struggle is that we want them to have those skills out in the world, but it feels uncomfortable when they practice them on us.

There is something vulnerable about being questioned by your own child. It can trigger insecurity. Am I losing control? Am I being disrespected? Am I doing this wrong?

If we are honest, sometimes our reaction has less to do with their tone and more to do with our fear.

Fear that we are not being honored.
Fear that we are being replaced.
Fear that we are losing influence.

But influence is not lost when a child asks why. Influence is lost when we shut down the conversation.

That does not mean every boundary becomes negotiable. It does not mean we explain ourselves endlessly or surrender authority. It means we pause long enough to ask, Is this defiance, or is this development?

If it is defiance, we hold the boundary and disengage calmly.
If it is resistance, we lean into the conversation.

The truth is, our teens are not meant to stay compliant children forever. They are meant to become adults who can respectfully challenge authority, advocate for themselves, and think independently.

We want them to question unfair systems.
We want them to speak up when something is wrong.
We want them to have discernment.

But those muscles are built somewhere. Usually at our kitchen table.

We are not raising children who never push back.
We are raising adults who know how to do it well.

That perspective changes everything.

The next time resistance shows up, maybe we can take a breath before we take it personally. Maybe we can ask a curious question instead of issuing a quick correction. Maybe we can remember that independence does not grow in silence.

Power struggles are not proof that we are failing. They are often proof that something is maturing.

And if we handle them with steadiness, humility, and clarity, they become less about winning and more about preparing.

That is the long game.

And it is worth it.