The Girls Talk: Rules and Power Dynamics

There is something uniquely humbling about sitting across from your teenagers, microphones on, and asking them, “So… what was it like growing up with me as your mom?”

You think you know the story. You think you know how the rules felt, how the boundaries landed, how the conversations shaped them.

And then they start talking.

In Episode 8, I sat down with my daughters to talk about rules, power struggles, and the complicated transition into adulthood. It was honest, funny, and deeply revealing.

Power Struggles Are Not the Enemy

One of the biggest takeaways from our conversation is this: power struggles are not a sign that something is wrong. They are a sign of development.

As parents, it is easy to interpret pushback as defiance. We feel challenged. We feel questioned. Sometimes we feel disrespected. But often what is actually happening is growth.

Teenagers push. And it’s not usually because they are trying to overthrow authority or gain control for control’s sake. They are practicing autonomy. They are testing their voice. They are trying on independence in the safest laboratory they have: home.

And they should be.

If our children never push against a boundary, it may not mean they are compliant. It may mean they are afraid. Healthy development includes friction and disagreement. It includes moments where they say, “I don’t see it that way.”

The key question is not whether power struggles happen. They will. The real question is how we handle them.

Do we clamp down harder to win? Do we collapse to avoid conflict? Or do we lean in and recognize that this tension is part of the stretching?

When we view power struggles as developmental rather than personal, everything shifts. We stop reacting out of ego and start responding out of purpose. We remember that our job is not to eliminate resistance but to guide it.

Because one day, the same child who pushed back at 16 may one day need the courage to push back against unhealthy dynamics in a workplace or relationship.

Autonomy practiced at home becomes confidence in the world.

Parenting is developmental for parents, too.

There is a unique tension in parenting multiple children. What you required at 16 from your firstborn may not be what you require from your second.

My oldest paved the way in many areas. And she felt that. She admitted she struggled watching her younger sister receive freedoms earlier than she did.

Firstborn children experience our learning curve in real time.

We are cautious, protective, and unsure. We hold tighter because we do not yet know what loosening safely looks like.

Then experience teaches us. We see what worked, what was unnecessary, and where we reacted out of fear instead of focusing on long-term impact.

And we grow, becoming less anxious in certain areas because we have walked the road before. Our experience gives us confidence to let some things go.

But that growth does not always feel fair to the first child.

It can feel like they carried the weight of our inexperience while their sibling reaps the benefits of our wisdom. And sometimes that is true.

That realization often requires the humility to say, “We learned through you.”

What matters most is not that we got everything exactly right from the start. What matters is that our children see us learning, adjusting, and responding thoughtfully rather than rigidly clinging to old rules simply because they were once enforced.

When our kids watch us grow, they learn that growth is normal. And that may be one of the most powerful lessons we can model.

The Phone Rule

No phones upstairs overnight. It’s been a rule from the beginning. 

It was one of those non-negotiables in our home. Not because I did not trust my daughters, but because I understood temptation. Nighttime isolation plus unlimited internet access is not a small thing.

Did they argue it? Yes.
Did they think it was unfair? Absolutely.
Did I waver? Sometimes internally, yes.

But the boundary held.

And here is what makes this important. The rule did not exist in its original form forever.

When my oldest was preparing for college, we began to adjust it. Not because she wore us down. Not because she demanded independence. But because maturity requires rehearsal.

She was about to live on her own. She was about to be responsible for waking herself up, managing her time, and navigating technology without us in the next room.

So we gave her space to practice.

This is the shift that happens in the Coaching Stage. We move from direct control to intentional influence. We begin to hand over responsibility in measured amounts. We stay present, but we step back.

Freedom is not dumped all at once. It is entrusted over time.

And when it is entrusted gradually, it becomes something our kids learn to steward rather than something they feel the need to fight for.

The Tension of Young Adulthood

One of the most honest parts of our conversation centered on adulthood. My daughter is 18, legally an adult, but still financially supported as she attends college. 

And here is the tension we named out loud:

Adulthood is not a light switch. It is a transition.

In the Mentoring Stage of parenting, the power dynamic shifts. We no longer wield authority in the same way. But we also do not disappear.

Her dad made a statement that stuck with all of us: if you choose this path, then you accept both its privileges and its limits.

If she chooses to attend college funded by us, there are trade-offs. Independence and provision rarely exist without tension. Every path has benefits and constraints.

That is a powerful life lesson.

What impressed me most was watching my daughter wrestle with her own mindset in real time. As we began these conversations, she was frustrated. She felt limited. She felt like adulthood should mean total autonomy.

As we continued to talk, she began to reflect differently. She was recognizing that freedom comes in layers. That independence grows through responsibility.

That shift did not happen because we forced it. It happened because we talked.

We have always tried to practice power-with rather than power-over. That does not mean we remove boundaries. It means we explain them. We collaborate when possible. We hold firm when necessary.

And over time, that builds influence.

If you are in the thick of power struggles right now, hear this: resistance does not mean you are failing. It may mean you are raising thinkers. Advocates. Independent humans.

The goal is not obedience at all costs. The goal is maturity. And maturity grows best in homes where boundaries are clear, conversations are open, and love is steady.

Raising and releasing is not about control. It is about preparation.

And sometimes, the greatest evidence that it is working is when your teenager can sit across from you, disagree respectfully, and still trust your heart.

That is impact parenting.